Is that Oscar I smell?

Film industry trendsetters - take note. I know that adolescent hi-jinks are guaranteed a chuckle from some members of the movie-going audience. I'm thinking specifically of the apparently obligatory "jewel crush" scene, paraded once (if not more) through almost every adolescent-centric comedy. A man brought to his knees from a swift slam to the family jewels. A fall on a fence post, a punch from a toddler, a slide down a banister - pick your poison. It's a quickly-forgotten snicker. A cheap, uncomfortable laugh. The scenes are virtually ubiquitous in some film comedies and I understand that.

But what I propose is the following.

Why don't you, titans of the film industry, work together to make another type of scene just as ubiquitous and obligatory in future films, for those among us who don't giggle at crotch-crushing? Something a little racier, a little sexier, a bit dangerous, pulse-quickening and, quite frankly, one of my secret fetishes! I'm speaking of ......... women in fountains. YAY! Now, I'm not referring to the G-rated jig as seen in the opening credits of the 90's TV sit-com "Friends." I'm more interested in slow-motion, screaming-sex exhibitionism, best exemplified by Sherilyn Fenn in her party seduction scene from the 1993 dark obsession film "Boxing Helena."



Original Fountain Song (Boxing Helena)
Uploaded by Meowbay

What a saucy temptress. Mmmmrroooooooowwwwwww!

So I'm publicly appealing to the Hollywood, Bollywood, and Any-other-wood elite to please bombard the movie-eating public with more scenes of women in fountains. I promise you - we can handle it or, gosh darn, we'll do our best trying! We're up for THAT struggle! So, please overwhelm us ........ so much so, that one day in the future, we just might lament to our friends, "Yup, there's yet another sultry, must-see film with the obligatory woman-in-a-fountain scene. Sigh - I miss the simple j-crush......."

Earth's Largest Instrument

David Byrne, ex-frontman of the Talking Heads, has rigged up the landmark Battery Maritime building in NYC and transformed it into the world's largest instrument, played with a keyboard. Fantastic! Among other things, wires and pipes run from the back of the keyboard to different parts of the building, causing parts of the infrastructure to creak, moan, rumble, howl and more. I've heard a bit of the results and I'd liken it to the spooky sounds of monsters in a basement dungeon. Not for everyone of course, but Byrne obviously continues to produce innovative sound projects. Best of all, you can play the keyboard and participate in this noisy adventure yourself! Closes Aug 10, 2008. You can read more here.

Simmons on Girls for Hire

Gene Simmons, of KISS fame, has an upcoming book entitled "Ladies of the Night: A Historical and Personal Perspective on the Oldest Profession in the World." Co-written with Julie McCarron, the book begins "back in the day" with cave culture (Babe, why don't you hunt for that wooly mammoth this morning and I will ROCK your world tonight) and progresses all the way to where we find ourselves today. I just might pick up a copy, if only to better understand how the public's perception of the dance has changed over the millenia. Credit goes to Simmons for approaching the topic as a matter of self-empowerment for women. You can read an interview with Gene about the book here and pre-order the book via Amazon. Release date: July 7, 2008.